Loneliness can come in a ton of different ways and I just want to start off by clarifying that I think there's a big difference between being alone and loneliness, as human beings we need time to be alone, it's good for our mental health, however when that turns into feeling actually alone and isolated that it becomes a problem. One thing that my readers seem to love is when i'm open, when I write about how I feel because a lot of you seem to relate and that seems to be what's growing my blog. It's hard for me to be open because i'm quite a closed person, I don't like letting things out in the open especially to people I know, which is why using this blog as a form of escape has become a regular thing, and the fact you guys love it just makes it all the better.
Now i've always liked being on my own, like most bloggers and internet people I'm an introvert. Until recently I found it extremely impossible to be social, especially for long periods of time but now I can manage it, to a certain extent that is. I've come a long way from the person I used to be a few months ago, but in becoming more social the loneliness has somehow creeped in unnoticed.
I feel awful when I sit there thinking just how lonely I really feel, I mean I have quite a few friends and couldn't ask for ones better than I already have, but for some reason inside of me I just have this massive hole that screams "you are alone". Sometimes it hits me at the randomest of times, I could be in the car with my friends or in a club and out of nowhere I just feel it aching my entire body and it feels like it's just taken over me. I don't know where it comes from and as I said, I have super lovely and supportive friends, however I just can't help that the feeling is always there. Always. When I pick up my phone I have no clue who to message, because I feel like I'd bother and irritate everyone if I even dared try, it's just a massive feeling of distance. I feel separate from everyone in my life right now. A few months ago I didn't know half the people I did now, and before that the kind of people I'd be friends with were completely different.
For the past few years I've been in such an internet bubble that I didn't have any friends outside of it, they were literally all online and at gatherings and etc. The only time I'd see them was when I would travel to London or Manchester or Birmingham to see them, and that was once every month maybe. The sort of people I'd be surrounded with are nothing like the ones I'm surrounded with now, and that's not a bad thing, I love the people I've got now, it's just all kind of alien to me I suppose. I feel like I don't belong there, like I don't 'fit in' in a sense. The problem is that this in turn causes me to push a lot of people away. I feel isolated so I feel like I should push them out of my life since who cares anyway? It's caused me to ruin a lot of friendships over the years (and caused a lot of guys to run away hahah) and although I'm not as bad as I used to be, it's still there, eating away at me.
I don't quite know the point of this post, I don't want anyone's sympathy or anything like that, I suppose my blog is just a good place to vent and I know that I'll have you all in the comments sharing your personal experiences and relating to it, meaning we can then talk about it together, it always helps. The thing is, even 4 years ago when I was crying in a hospital bed alone 2 days before Christmas day with a drip attached to my arm because I attempted suicide, I still didn't feel THIS alone. Which doesn't make sense considering I'm a fair bit happier now so surely I should feel less like it, life works in weird ways apparently. You know you need to make a change if even when you're surrounded by friendly faces you still feel like the most lonely person ever, and lately I have hands down honestly never felt this alone. Unfortunately I don't quite know what to do that's going to change that.